When It’s Mother’s Day During A Pandemic

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When it’s Mother’s Day during a pandemic and you are sheltering in place in Oakland, you will find yourself on the brink of tears at any given moment for no reason at all and for so many reasons.

A good friend will tell you that it is difficult to process trauma when you are still experiencing it.

When you are sheltering in place during a pandemic on Mother’s Day you will feel incredibly guilty for the words that you could not keep from your lips. You will tell your kids to leave you alone and you will be angry with your mouth for not being restrained by your heart.

You will start to fear the world that you are preparing them for. You will think about the days of school missed because of wildfires and now this. Will school ever be the same?

You will note that racism literally does not shelter in place.

You will wonder how crime seems to be down all over the world and yet people are getting shot on 580.

You will listen to Cranes in the Sky and Mamas Gun on repeat when DNice isn’t enough.

You will have to mentally prepare yourself for the grocery store but appreciate it for the welcomed break from your family.

You will mourn the lives lost. Some from the virus, some not. Some of people you know and some of people you do not know; but somehow you miss them.

You will begin to long for the between times. The drives to work. Prep periods. The moments before picking the kids up from school. You realize though short, those times were invaluable.

When it’s Mother’s Day during a pandemic and you are sheltering in place your husband will do whatever he can to cheer you up. He will grow frustrated when your mood doesn’t change.

You know that the only thing that would grant you solace is to have a break. The problem is, the only person who can help you needs a break too.

You feel stuck.

Your family is healthy. You have a roof over your head. You are able to work from home. You have a million things to be grateful for…

You feel guilty.

When it is Mother’s Day during a pandemic and you are sheltering in place. You will Facetime your mother. You will breath. You will enjoy a break from homeschooling. You will enjoy a break from work. You will sleep in a little bit. Maybe drink some wine.

You will survive.

Postpartum Reflection

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Introducing Maxwell!

I was in my head a lot during my most recent pregnancy. We planned to have Maxwell simply because our family didn’t feel complete. In the past few years it has always felt like someone was missing. Logically, it made the most sense to conceive when we did so that our kids wouldn’t be too far apart in age and we wouldn’t have to pay two childcare tuitions at the same time. We were lucky to conceive at our intended time and my pregnancy began.

This pregnancy felt more challenging than my other ones but that could simply be because it’s more fresh in my memory. I struggled to keep up with my four year old, had a lot of aches and pains and my blood pressure was a bit elevated towards the end. I’m embarrassed to say that my physical discomfort and the impact my pregnancy had on my family and my career made me second guess my decision to have my third child. Don’t get me wrong, I always felt very connected to Maxwell and loved him well before I met him but in my mind I would often think “what did I get myself into?”.
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The morning I went into labor with Maxwell the rain poured down. It was cloudy and foggy all morning- a beautiful gray. I drew calm during my labor from gazing at the clouds hanging over the hills. Miraculously, however after he came out, there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. All I could see was blue outside the window as I tried to nurse my beautiful and very gooey baby boy. I am so in love. That is all that I know and that is all that I need to think about at this time.