The other day I was talking to a close friend and she, being a single woman, voiced annoyance about being asked when she is going to have a baby at a baby shower she was attending. Not only did it feel like a gross invasion of her privacy by acquaintances that should know, if you don’t know the answer to that question, then we obviously aren’t close enough for you to be asking that question, (Okrrrrr) BUT it brought some uninvited feelings up in her that she wasn’t trying to feel as she was just trying to live her best life at this baby shower. We all have these moments and for my friend the baby question was particularly triggering. Y’all already know I can’t stand it when people ask me if I am pregnant even when I am sometimes (get off my ovaries!). For some people it’s, have you found someone to settle down with? Have you set a date for your wedding? Are you thinking about having children? Or, when are you going to give your mama a grandbaby?
On the surface, these questions seem harmless and just people’s casual attempt of creating small talk with you to create some kind of connection since they haven’t seen you in awhile, but what they really are are microaggressions. They serve as small little reminders of the societal expectations of how we should be living our lives as women. And the moment we step out of those norms, Oh, you don’t want to have children? Oooh, you are in a romantic relationship with a woman? O, you are taking time to seek guidance and work on your own shit before getting involved in a romantic relationship? We basically get asked questions that the people who asked unknowingly can’t handle the responses to.
As we move into a new decade, we know better and should do better. There are so many factors that contribute to how people live their lives. Intimacy and companionship has evolved which is made evident by the Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”. Miscarriages are real and an estimated 25% of women who get pregnant will experience having one. People have fertility issues, people have mental health struggles, people are taking time to figure shit out, and well a lot of people out here simply discontinued their subscription to Patriarchy Daily so questions around relationship status, baby status, housing status just don’t even make sense for their non-conformist, “I’m going to do me, so I suggest you do you” fabulous selves.
So while it is not likely that we are going to shift the habits of our Boomer aunts and uncles at family events, let’s at least start shifting things for our generation and the next. Of course we are still going to be curious but we need to just trust that the answers to our questions will reveal themselves in time if we are meant to know them. Let’s give our second cousins, nieces, play brother’s next door neighbors and friends of friends space to just be. Let’s get to know them by asking them the last movie they watched, the last book they read, where they like to go for some really good cheesy Mexican food (sidebar: Almost all of my favorite Mexican food restaurants have closed and I am on a quest to find a replacement so if you have any suggestions please feel free to comment below however, this question should work for you too, food is something that bonds people :), or where they would be interested in traveling if they had the resources to.
Let’s proceed with caution this holiday season and try to be mindful of questions that we have that are rooted in our expectations of the type of lives we think people should desire. Let’s think about the potential for our questions to be triggering for people. I am nosey by nature and really like to study people so I know this approach will be a bit of a challenge for me but it will be worth it if it means that I can avoid making someone feel like my friend felt at that baby shower or if I could avoid the guilt I felt after asking a question at a social event that unearthed some pain for the person I was speaking with. It is simply a matter of showing respect to our loved ones, “Which was what love was: unmotivated respect” ~ Toni Morrision.
It has been four years since I started MyPostBabyBody. A lot has happened over those four years, Obama isn’t our president anymore, I had another baby, Beychella, but my body has stayed the same. I wish I could say that my confidence was where it was after my first MPBB photo shoot but it isn’t right now. After being pregnant with my third son I have to say it was kind of nice taking a vacation from thinking about my body looking some way that it wasn’t supposed to. However, the spectacle of being in a pregnant body came with a whole other set of annoying comments and attention.
Being asked if I am pregnant when I am not is something that I will never get used to. Sometimes I can go weeks and even months without the question disrupting my day but I can never go too long without it being sprung on me like a jury duty summons. Although, I think it is an invasive and rude question, I know it is rarely asked with malintent. Nevertheless, it still bothers me. It is a microaggression that chips away at my good vibes and confidence. Causing me to consciously and subconsciously shrink myself. I find myself adjusting my posture or covering up with my cardigan once I catch a glimpse of my stomach poking out in the reflection of an H&M store window. I find my hands resting on my stomach as to hide it from the world. Knowing my journey, the pieces I have written, and the interviews that I have done (ok so I did just one interview but you get the point), I am often disappointed with myself for being such a Negative Nancy when it comes to my stomach! For starting over from the beginning of my body journey all over again. Like I am Tye from the movie Clueless going down an endless shame spiral. But if motherhood has taught me anything, it has taught me patience. So that is what I am practicing with myself, patience.
I honestly don’t think my body is going to change very much in the upcoming years. I do what I can to be healthy but I refuse to go on a diet, they just don’t make sense to me from a science standpoint and I don’t have any fucking time to work out on a consistent basis. Maybe this will change sometime in the future but I am accepting that that is where I am right now. Even if I was dieting and working out I stand by my belief that I deserve to love my body now. Say that with me “I deserve to love my body NOW”. So here I am back on my journey same body, similar attitude, same goal- to achieve a Lizzo level of body positivity and love. Feeling a little more honest, a lot more unapologetic and taking pictures in my underwear so people (myself included) can see the beauty of the mom bod beyond the “snapback”.